Tony Curtis

(2010 and 2012)

Tony Curtis was just so freaking cool that everybody in this town needs somehow to make a personal connection with him.  When so much coolness up and disappears from the planet all the hipsters feel an odd bit of desperation; they just have to, somehow, reach out and touch that coolness while it still lives. For coolness lasts beyond the grave, but not for long. It  fades in a eerie way, still alive, before becoming history. Once history the coolness is gone, the kind of tactile coolness you can get high with, or drink coffee with, or fuck or fight or just run into on the way to the elevator. The real, corporeal coolness. History renders the living cool dead, stone dead…turns it over to academics and poseurs and biographers who, let’s face it, someone as cool as Tony Curtis wouldn’t be caught dead with. But to actually have a story based on something real life, where you and Tony were in the same space together, interacting or even not interacting but conceivably could have in a way that a historian never ever can…well that kind of coolness is addictive. It is the power of the story. The time that you and Tony Curtis were together. When your universe and Tony’s came together, briefly, and somehow a tiny bit of his coolness rubbed off on you. Just because.

I have one of those stories.

Sometime back in the mid eighties we had a friend, Jeannie Lynn, this crazy cool chick, older than us, a red head and tremendously, proudly stacked, who was really hip. She worked on films, knew gallery people, actors, directors, jazz musicians, artists, beatniks, hippies, and punks, she was a  fine bassist and great partier. She  loved to laugh and tell crazy stories and dirty jokes and smoke weed and we were all great friends. She was the first person we knew I think that was able to exist in that world without losing any of her hip, cool edge. Anyway, she took us to a gallery opening….no, a store opening, some kind of pricey, big boutique on what had been a dull little nothing street called Melrose Place.  This was just before Melrose Place became Melrose Place, and Melrose itself was still a new concept, not yet overrun and tacky. This was that long ago. Anyway, this party was packed with people, all these Beverly Hills types slumming it on Melrose Place.  There were a lot less rich people back then, and fewer rich neighborhoods, so that end of town below West Hollywood (“WeHo” hadn’t been invented yet either) was thoroughly middle of the middle class with a smattering of struggling bohos  and wanna be show biz types. I remember Fyl and I and the others with us, whoever they were, were decidedly out of place at this bash, but enjoying it nonetheless. The food was great. And the open bar.  The band was subdued but all killer players…everyone said that guy there was Sinatra’s guitar player (which meant, I know now, that he was Ron Anthony), and the harmonica player was the guy who did the theme from Midnight Cowboy (though I doubt it now).  I watched them for a long time, saying hey to the people who said hey to me, and checking out the westside babes—jeans were still very tight at the time. Yowza. Anyway, I polished off a drink–I was drinking greyhounds back then–and went back for another. Jeannie Lynn pulled me close, quietly squealing with excitement. DID YOU SEE WHO YOU WERE STANDING NEXT TO?  Uhhh,  no. YOU DIDN’T SEE WHO YOU WERE STANDING NEXT TO OUT THERE ALL THAT TIME??? No I didn’t.  She was very stoned and paranoid about making  a scene and still incredibly excited. I said sorry, but hadn’t noticed. THAT WAS TONY CURTIS!!!!!   Really? Standing next to me? Aghast, she blurted YES!!!! YOU WERE LOOKING RIGHT AT EACH OTHER. Wow. I think we’d even exchanged pleasantries, me and Tony. But I didn’t put the face with the legend. I was too stoned , probably, or maybe just listening to the music, or distracted by coked out westside babes.  Jeannie just shook her head. My wife said he doesn’t know anything about actors. I didn’t.

Tony was gone by the time I turned around. Apparently he’d only been at the party ten or fifteen minutes. He woulda been flying on blow back then. Everyone knew he’d gone all to hell. But still, he was Tony Curtis. And we could, maybe, have had a nice little chat. But I never recognized the guy. I always regretted that, I mean, Tony Cutis was so cool. Oh well.

And that is my Tony Curtis story.

It’s not much. But he’s dead now and I wanted to tell it one last time, the best way I know, in writing. I wanted to tell it while his memory still glowed, and that feeling that he’s not really dead still hung about. It takes a little while to get used to the dead thing. You can’t quite let go till the body is stone cold and buried, and even afterward he hangs about, a living memory.

But Tony’s gone. I can never tell him this inane story. And he can never show me one of his goddamn paintings.

Sigh….

Another sigh even.

Ya know, I began this story trying to be funny. But it’s not funny at all. Maybe I left my sense of humor in my other suit.