Seizure Alert Dogs are quite the rage now among the epileptic set.. You get the whole aura thing happening and Fido picks up on it and barks or whatever he does and you’re saved.  Something like that. The pooches are quite useful. Sort of a Lassie thing. But then again a Seizure Alert Dog is a dog, not someone you can hold a conversation with. Or make the scene with. Or hang on your epileptic arm like some gorgeous eye candy.  I mean Lassie is great for kids, but baby, I live in Hollywood. I make the scene. So why not have Seizure Alert Babes? They could even wear nurses uniforms. Yeah, definitely wear nurse uniforms. The dress, the little hat, the stiletto heels. OK, the stiletto heels were my idea. Second idea. The first was thigh high leather boots. But that’s more a Seizure Alert Dominatrix kind of footwear, and that isn’t my scene. I mean I’m not a freak, just epileptic.

Actually, I’ve had Seizure Alert Nurses before. Back when they had me in the epilepsy ward for a week all wired up, my head a mess of electrodes and my every second being filmed and monitored by unflinching cameras, my epilepsy tech was a darling little Filipina nurse. Everyday with the electrodes and the EEG’s and the letting me get out of the damn bed for a minute. The one on the night shift was a hot little Thai. There was a cute little Armenian number that came in a couple times a day to whirl knobs and read print outs and asked me if I’d had a seizure yet. It was so cute how she said it. You tend to remember these things. Even if it’s about the only thing I do remember.

Which is how seizure alert babes came up.

OK, I’ll drop it.

Doris Day looks out for legendary pitcher Grover Cleveland Alexander (Ronald Reagan) during one of his epileptic spells in “the Winning Team” (1952).