Fucking Facebook, I swear.

(Just found this. Not sure when it was. Back in the Brick’s Picks daze, anyway, a few years ago.)

Fucking Facebook, I swear.
I had an account. Apparently I hit some feature that emailed everybody–and I mean everybody–in my email list that I wanted to be their Facebook friends or something ridiculous like that. I was suddenly Facebook friends with people I would probably never wanna be seen with in real life. Plus a zillion emails popped in with people telling me all this silly-assed shit I didn’t care about at all. I cancelled that account almost immediately and lived blissfully unfacebooked for a few months.
Then came a point that there was no way to communicate or network or anything with many people because I didn’t have a freaking Facebook page. So this time, I let paranoia guide me through the sign up procedure and set up an account without telling anyone. It was nice. I could use it when I wanted and not be bothered. In fact, I didn’t even use it for a couple months. Life was sweet and uncluttered and unannoyed.
Till one day a couple weeks ago I needed to get back on Facebook for something. I logged on. It seemed a little different, with info in my profile I thought I had deleted with my deleted account. Whatever.
Within minutes–minutes!–I received a slurry of those some-asshole-wants-to-be-your-Facebook-friend emails. Even worse, they were mostly from real life friends. I am not sure how this works, but it did. So I felt obligated to be their friend. I let the thing metastasize on its own, and it did, freely. When I sent out that silly picture of me with the dancing girls (I’d forgotten about the pic of me with the dancing girls), more than one lady said to use that as my Facebook picture. So I did. Funny guy. Then some of those ladies wrote on my Wall–I fucking hate that Wall–that my pic wasn’t there. Hmmm. So I uploaded it again. Then more messages came in, and something was very weird.  I got one of those mewling I-wanna-be-your-Facebook-friend from none other than me!  Myself. Brick. Even had the picture of me with the three chicks. Then yesterday it hit me–I have TWO Facebook pages. The first page had come back to life somehow when I logged in to it by mistake, and somehow was automatically pleading for the other page to be its friend. FUCK!!!!!! And now I get twice the annoying emails, twice the simpering be my Facebook friend crap, and twice the exciting news about things I would never care about and people I scarcely know. Perhaps have never even met. I even get these automatically generated messages about me from me.
Only I could have managed this.

(Alas, we all adapt, eventually.)