Danette

[Saying goodbye to a best friend, with hands.]
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Oh, I must tell you this, I remembered it for some odd reason a week or so ago. It  was my last day there at the company, and I had gone up to the top floor to say goodbye to some of the admins I worked with for so many years, and to Steve W, who I’ve known since I started and he’s company president now and I’m not. You and I had said goodbye on the phone, as you had to rush home. I was talking to Jan and you made an appearance there for just a second, so we were able to share a quick hug and a smooch and a goodbye and it was much better that way, nothing drawn out and too sad. We were clutching hands, my left, I think, your right. As we parted, we slowly let our hands slip away, fingers unwinding, till your last finger slowly freed itself….it was all very sensuous and memorable and very Danette, or at least the Danette I knew. The reason I know this is how it appeared is that Jan was watching us carefully, and really focused on our hands, which clung to each other and parted slowly, even lovingly, and Jan’s eyes grew wider and wider, she couldn’t tear her gaze away. When we finally let each other’s index finger go, we held our hands aloft a bit, waving the fingers at each other. It was very sweet. But Jan had such a look of astonishment. I have no idea why. I recall her looking at you and then back at me and at you again and you could see her mind whirring, thinking what I’m not sure. Maybe I don’t want to know. But seeing her expression, I immediately began saying whatever it was I had been in mid sentence of when you popped in, and she recovered quickly. But that look on her face was so funny…I just had to write it out.
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I have to confess this is a bit of an exercise…in fact, I remember thinking writing it up just like this not long after that last day but couldn’t get up the brain wattage to actually attempt it. I am fascinated by hands.,…have been ever since I saw the famous old Albrecht Dürer woodcut of a pair of hands. They have to be the hardest thing to describe. Not still, or grasping, not working as one unit…but instead describing the fingers moving individually as they actually do. The five independently controlled appendages–personalities, almost–on each hand, plus the hand itself, and the wrist, and describing them in writing is virtually impossible, as you have to tell all five finger’s stories at once, plus that of the hand, and of the wrist, and of the person behind the hand…all simultaneously. And here you have two hands–your’s and mine–in movement and touch, with a powerful emotional component of best friends parting being the movements of each and together…and then the reaction of Jan watching it and the imagination she was letting run riot…I mean, it’s so vastly complex that describing it is virtually impossible.  Atop all that, it was beautiful, in the way two hands together–shaking, say–never are. It was an amazing scene, and I utterly failed to even get a glimpse of it down in prose.

The new thing with feeling

(expanded from an online conversation today with John Altman) 

Ya know, if I’d stop writing my self-indulgent stuff and went back to writing about jazz I’d start getting invited to the pricey jazz things and fancy digs. Something to think about…..

But the last couple years I was at the LA Weekly writing Brick’s PIcks I was really hating the way I was writing. It was stuck, in a rut, doing the same thing over and over. It was so easy and I’d gotten cynical. I was feeling very dishonest as a writer and that is death.  I had to re-learn how to write so it was time to woodshed. Like breaking a badly set arm and letting it heal all over again. So I up and walked.

That gig was killing me. I absolutely hated it by the end. Hated it like you hate the worst job you ever had. It was turning me into a fake. I’d invented this ridiculous Brick’s Picks character, him with his royal we and oh so ridiculously hip, turning the emotional faucet on and off…I hated that guy. He was a joke. That’s what happens when you wind up a jazz journalist without ever wanting to be a jazz journalist. Finally I got my zillionth idiot editor and said fuck it, I’m gone. And I was.

So that’s where I went. People still ask, which amazes me. They still bitch, which irritates me. Sometimes I say nothing, sometimes (if they’re older) I mumble an apology, and sometimes (if they’re a friend and ought to know better) I tell them to just shut the fuck up. And I’m feeling better about my writing now. To quote Eric Dolphy’s post card to Oliver Lake (I wish I’d saved the picture), I’m trying to do the new thing but with feeling.

Ya know, I don’t think people realize that writing is like music and you have to practice every goddamned day. Practice till your brain hurts. Practice till everything around you is language, everything, and you need to stop and just look at things and try not to think.

Then start writing again.

I just wrote that sentence in electrons

Half the stuff I have ever written in my life disappears in unsaved drafts or forgotten and long obliterated emails. All the long first drafts of Brick’s Picks columns I gushed out…I’d trim them to the exact word count and turn all that excess writing back into random electrons. And I have no idea how many emails are no more, thousands and thousands of emails. I used to do my best stuff in emails. Some were saved. The ones written at work, however, they too are now electrons. They could run on for hundreds of words, for paragraphs, crazy tales of something or other and then poof…..gone. Words become crazy spinning electrons. Probably a million words have gone that way. Hundreds of stories. Thousands of vignettes. I never even think about it till suddenly I want to retrieve one like the tale of the girl I nearly squirted with pickle juice. Sounds funny now, but to a little kid from California plunked down on an island off the coast of Maine it was no laughing matter. Lobster bait. It was my very first day in Great Island Elementary School, the fifth school I’d attended in second grade….beginning in San Diego, a stop in Tacoma, a couple other places, then the wilds of Maine……and my mother packed me a brownbag lunch of a liverwurst sandwich on rye with a pickle and when I bit into that pickle it squirted…but just then the little girl sitting next to me ducked down to pick up a pencil or something and the juice arced clear over her head and landed unseen in the floor. I could see it there, a tiny little puddle. Probably the most relieved I ever felt in my entire life. That was half a century ago but I can still remember it vividly. I wrote down the whole thing in a longish email that is gone now. Just electrons. And you know how electrons are. Meaningless. Brownian. infinitesimally small. Too small to give a damn about, really, except that I just wrote that sentence in electrons.

Here come da judge

Facebook has ruined writing. You can write all you want on Facebook and there’s no need whatsoever to do so with any grace or talent or even basic writing chops. You’re not supposed to show any chops, actually. It was designed as a purely egalitarian medium. Nothing pretty. Very little even signficant. I know a lot of fine writers and their Facebook posts are just as dull and artless as any twelve year old’s. It is wholly functional.  Two dimensional. If people talked as dull as they post you would find them so annoying you’d duck out of the way when you saw them coming. Facebook reduces everyone to the dullest person you know. It is artless, faceless, characterless and not very funny. Emotions are worn on sleeves. Facebook is like instant messaging that everyone at work can read. Safe, dull, and designed not to hurt anyone’s feelings. No juicy gossip, no hidden secrets, no sex.   Continue reading