A cold

Helluva cold that was. It hit out of the blue–don’t they always–and rapidly whipped through the usual litany of symptoms, finishing up it’s business yesterday. I cursed my healthy immune system–that’s all the symptoms of a cold are, really, your immune system getting hysterical–and watched a lot of old movies. Some channel was showing a string of film noir, which was perfect, and even more perfect was the sticky southern gothic perfection of A Streetcar Named Desire, me crumpled on the floor, sneezing, coughing, aching, high on sweet cherry cough syrup, reciting Stanley’s lines.

The Universe

So I just wrote an essay, more like a story really, called Metaverse. I liked it. I don’t like them all, but this one I liked a lot. But then something very weird happened. I typed the last line “Someone asked if there was any PBR and another universe opened up”, looked away, looked back, and the story was not there. It had vanished. It had been there, all clever and literary, and then suddenly it was as if it had, well, fallen into another universe. I searched every nook and cranny of WordPress in this universe but found nothing. Several hundred words, a complex narrative, Krautrock, beer and some smartassed string theory just gone, like they’d never been.

I decided not to rewrite it. You don’t fuck with the universe.

Listening to Amon Düül II probably didn't help any.

Listening to Amon Düül II at the time probably didn’t help any.

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I get to take care of the rabbits

Waiting for the new refrigerator. I manhandled the dead fridge into the dining room, stared at the dirt where the fridge had been and while trying to clean it, busted the mop. Snapped right in two. What a mensch. While trying to wash the windows at the gas station the other day I busted the squeegee. Scared the lady at the pump next to me. I apologized. She got in her car and locked the doors. The world is very small and delicate, not to mention dirty under refrigerators.

Halloween again

(2015)

We went out to Elliott Caine’s pad in South Pasadena last night, like we do every year. We cover the door while he and Lei take the kids trick or treating. South Pasadena–as old as it gets in Southern California, full of Victorian homes–is Halloween heaven (now there’s a concept). All the houses are tricked out in ghoulish finery and kids are drawn from all over like moths to flame. They come in a trickle at first, then grow from bunches to throngs to armies to a vast herd of tiny little princesses two feet tall and rangy punk rockers in old Thrasher t-shirts and all the leggy moms herding them along. Trick or treat they all yelled, over the crazy screeching free jazz Elliott had put on–I remember a little bumble bee dancing to Ornette–and Fyl and I took turns dropping in a Snickers or Reeses or Butterfinger or whatever. We had more than enough candy, we thought, twenty bags full–about twenty pounds of it–but we didn’t, and after dropping them singly into an endless array of paper bags and pillow cases and plastic pumpkins, we were wiped out before 9 pm. Elliott Caine had already returned before then, exhausted. It’s crazy out there he said, giddy with it all. I dropped in the last few candies and apologized to the line of little ones that we were out. You try saying that to a pair of four years olds in matching Superman outfits without feeling guilty. Their mom smiled and walked them off to the next place. I would have given her two candies. Though I gave the dads candies too.

Empty of treats, we turned out the lights and blew out the jack o’ lantern and turned off the flapping bat with the glowing red eyes and shut the door. In the dark, ghostly, the armies of the night shuffled along, little ghouls and cowboys and monsters and superheroes. Elliott’s kids, home and exhausted, were packed upstairs to bed, and the neighbors departed with their own sleepy broods. The music had gone from screaming to swinging–Miles, Dizzy, Lee Morgan–and the air turned sweet and fragrant, the brandy was good, the beer cold, the pizza cold too. We talked of jazz and everything else late into the night and on into All Saints Day. Yawning. Time to break it up. As we drove home, grown up ghosts and monsters and super models and a Donald Trump or two walked unsteadily down the sidewalk.

I’ve never been much for grown up Halloween myself, I like to see all the kids in costumes. They’re mostly handmade now, little hand sewn princess outfits or zombie get ups made from shredded hand me downs and liberally applied make up. I like it better that way. As I drop candies into the bags it took me back to frosty harvest nights in Maine, the moon full, a chill wind blowing through the leafless trees. The ancient empty house up the street was haunted, the older kids told us, and we believed them. A whole family of headless ghosts lived there. They’d all seen them. None of us had, and we didn’t want to. We kept walking. There were unhaunted houses a half block up, with real people living in them, and big jack o’ lanterns out front. I tried not to look at the old cemetery as we passed it, wishing I wasn’t wearing a ghost costume. A cold wind blew across the headstones. Dead branches creaked and moaned. It was an endless walk, past the unruly dead in the cemetery, past the ancient wall, to the first house with all the squealing kids scurrying to the door. We were almost to the wall and I reached out to touch the lichen covered brick. A mistake. Out stepped a zombie. We shrieked and nearly bolted. Trick or treat he yelled, and laughed a dead man’s laugh.

It was the best Halloween ever, and as I drifted of to sleep that night I thought about the Great Pumpkin (that was its first year, 1966) wishing it was real. That was our last Halloween in Maine, and not a year goes by that I don’t remember just how perfect it was.

AbandonedHouse2

Big guy cool

Fyl’s watching a Star Trek marathon again, and between incessant spots for some incredibly irritating character named Gigi–that irony thing again–I’ve seen a commercial for beef jerky a few times in which some big dude batters a vending machine to get his bag of beef jerky. It had gotten stuck. He unstuck it. He strides off camera in slow motion, savoring the jerky.

I used to be the guy that people would call when the vending machine got stuck. Hey Brick, can you come down to the lunchroom, I put in a dollar and my chips are just hanging there, stuck. It was always a clerk or a pretty secretary. They’d flirt a little on the phone. OK, I’ll be right down. I’d show up, take hold of the vending machine, rock it back and forth a few times, let it drop again with a satisfying crunch, and the bag of chips would become unstuck. Sometimes I got squeals of delight. Sometimes I got applause. And once the prettiest lady in the whole building gave me a kiss on the cheek. I blushed like mad, totally blowing my big guy cool.

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Richie Hass

My wife called me at work to tell me Richie Hass had died and the afternoon went by at a crawl, in a daze, and when I got in the car and turned on the radio out came Fearless, perfectly timed, and as I drove along I remembered sitting in Marc Mylar’s parlor with Richie and a big bomber joint, Meddle spinning on the turntable, and we passed the jay back and forth and said nothing, just listening.

 

Martyrdom

I’ve been accused of being a reactionary, a fascist, a Reagan Republican, a racist, a white devil, a genocide enabler, a communist, an America hater, a right wing Donald Trump supporting explicative, you name it. Keyboard warriors make the best name callers. I rarely mention the fact that I am not a keyboard warrior, that I have had several years as a real world activist. Among other things I spent a stretch there back in the 1970’s working with the United Farm Workers. Did all kinds of stuff for them, even handling security for Cesar Chavez at rallies. There was one scary day in a park in La Colonia in Oxnard I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to write about. Some things perhaps should remain unwritten. On a keyboard political opinions are nothing, really, but in real life it can be harsh and vivid and terrifying. Sometimes you live, sometimes you die. Mostly you never know. I think of this whenever I opine my non-radical political opinions and get yelled at by the keyboard warriors. They do love to yell sometimes. So dedicated they can be, so fierce and uncompromising and always right. Sometimes they are. Sometimes they aren’t. Does it matter? It’s so easy to be fearsome and uncompromising on the internet. But reality has repercussions and things that can still keep you up at night, wondering, nearly forty years later. Haunted by what might have been and never knowing for sure. Martyrdom is a strange concept, your name on a plaque in a park named for you.

Nostalgia

An excerpt from a Christmas party invitation…

It wasn’t July at all. I lied. It was well into a December. An innocent, hairier pated December. There was more money then. More hope. A future. We had not been broken on the rocks of shattered dreams (I wrote that one myself) or had arthritic knees. Well, maybe we did, that was a long time ago. Many a tree back. The days before Suzanne Pleshette doggie dishes full of onion dip and aging ex-punk rockers watching Fred Astaire musicals. Before people’s kids had their own kids. Before people outgrew marijuana or faked an illness to get it legally. Before Kid Rock appeared in every documentary ever including the one about Ahmet Ertegun I bought for a dollar in a Rite Aid in Palm Springs because I was drunk. There were lots of jazz clubs then. And good bands, loud bands, and we would go and listen and the crowds would thrash about and shriek in each other’s ears to be heard. People talked in elevators then. You didn’t want to talk to them, but they talked anyway, instead of missing their floors staring at their iPhones. Brittany hadn’t texted while driving yet. J Lo’s big ass was fresh and new. Rap had just become ridiculous. When Wynton spoke, people listened. The World Trade Center stood. The Kings sucked. Sketch sang of worn sneakers. Stray cats bothered us, uneaten. Planes since crashed flew uncrashed. Wars since fought were unfought. Men suffered ED in silence and lied to their bowling buddies. It was a more innocent time. We sit by the fireside and remember and sigh. Sunrise, sunset. Or something.

Forest of poinsettias

This was actually the opening to a Christmas party invitation, believe it or not…. Not sure what year.

I’m looking through a forest of poinsettias. Red leaves, yellow leaves, pink leaves. Some rusty salmony color too. Used to be all you could get was red. That’s what poinsettias were, red. Just red. The Aztecs used to make dye from those red leaves.

Wow…I forgot to send this. I started it–that’s what that bit about the red was–but decided nope it was too inane and then forgot all about it. I really was looking through a forest of poinsettias, though, a zillion of them on the coffee table. We’d gone to Trader Joes and Fyl went mad and bought a cart full of poinsettias. And there they were on the coffee table, all of them and I sat there staring at them, then into them, then through them and before you know it the antihistamine I’d taken had kicked in and the invite trundled off into nowheresville and hence none of you got the official invite. You got the semi-official preliminary invite a few weeks ago . But not this one. And since the anti-histamine is taking effect again (an allergy to a shampoo….kind of pathetic for a big gnarly dude to fall allergic to something as silly as a shampoo, I know) then this invite is looking into oblivion as well. But I can’t afford to put it off again…what with all the shopping and planning and cleaning and xmasificating going on round the abode it’d be a shame if no one showed up. It would be an easy clean, but a shame. This is really going nowhere, this invite. And I’m getting sleepier, kinda tingly round the extremities. I have no idea how anti-histamine works. I assume by magic.

I yawned just now and it was vaguely euphoric. Must have been that second pill. Just wait till I toss down the spazz meds. I wonder if I can score a quaalude for a chaser. Do they still make quaaludes? I had to spell-check the word. Couldn’t remember how it was spelled, two a’s or two u’s. It’s funny…when I typed quaalude the first thing that popped into my head was Rodney Bingenheimer. Though I doubt Rodney ever popped a quaalude, but still, those were the daze. Once at the Capital Record swap meet–must have been early 1980–we were hanging out with Darby Crash and some others and some chick came around with a big jar full of pills. All kinds of pills, every color of the rainbow. We each gobbled down a few–one of this and one of those and one of that–and washed them down with warm beer. We’d taken a bus and the ride back down Sunset was kind of twisted, all these pills pulling in opposite directions, up, down, in and way out. We got back to the pad and tho’ I don’t remember what happened after that I’m sure if I did it would be far too much information, so nevermind. Don’t think we ever did the pill cocktail thing again. But it was so seventies. TAQN and all that. Later I was listening to the Velvet Underground’s Live at Max’s record and some artist is caught on mike fucked up out of his mind and trying to score some pills. Some downers. He can barely talk and he’s trying find some downers. But I connected with him. We grokked. A mind meld. There he was about 1970 trying to get as fucked up as possible and there I’d been a whole decade later doing the same thing. Ouch.

I flunked out of pre-Algebra

I flunked out of pre-Algebra in high school, so they had me take it in summer school where I passed with–I kid you not–a D minus. I think it was a mercy D-minus. I have an excuse, though, because whatever thought processes are used in any math beyond basic arithmetic sets off petit mal seizures and I end up out of it and nauseous. It took me years to figure this out, though. I thought I just hated math.

My IQ test results must have been interesting. I have no idea what score (or scores) I received, but I probably did well on the language stuff, and the basic arithmetic stuff, then bottomed out when it went beyond that. I remember taking an IQ test in high school. They’d herded us all into the auditorium and handed out the test sheets. I was whizzing through the language section thinking I was smart, then made it through the adding and subtracting easily enough, but then it began to get abstract and I began to get fuzzy. I never thought much about it though. Decades later the reason dawned on me one boring day at work when I started one of those online IQ tests. Those were all the rage at the time, one of the first annoying internet trends. This was years ago. As soon as it got to the more advanced questions with shapes, etc, my brain fizzed out and I felt sick. Limbs go numb, tongue heavy, and this fuzzy thickness descends and a sort of creeping nausea comes on. Ah ha, I thought to myself, and have avoided anything like that since. Can’t believe it took me thirty years to figure that out. The exact same thing used to happen to me in math class. I was a tough kid, though, not prone to complaining and figured everyone was like that too. Never imagined it meant something was wrong. My neurologist wasn’t the least bit surprised when we discussed it. It happens, he said. With epilepsy anything can happen. Some epileptics talk to God. Some have spontaneous orgasms. Me, algebra makes me sick. Not as fun, though probably less embarrassing.

I’m very leery of physics and philosophy for the same reason. I could never make head or tail out of either and I suspect it’s because trying to think like that sets off little electro-chemical firestorms in my frontal lobe which then spread to the temporal lobe and fuck shit up nicely. Maybe not, I may just not be bright enough to figure them out, but why take chances. Life sciences I’m fine with, though. Earth sciences, linguistics. My great regret in life is not pursuing a science career, but there was no way. You need math, and all I can do is simple arithmetic.

Certain kinds of modular maps will set me off too. Not long after I made the mistake of taking that IQ test I made the mistake of trying to read the stupid arty map in the Getty’s Top of the Hill garage. Hiply modular, way modular, expensively modular. A regular map just wouldn’t do, not at the Getty. I studied it for maybe fifteen seconds and suddenly I was in a haze, a little lost, and I couldn’t remember anybody’s name. My wife got us to our seats.

Anyway, I eventually learned that if trying to read anything made me feel out of it or sick, to stop reading it immediately. Took me thirty years of epilepsy to figure that out. Some writing will set me off too. It used to be a problem. Apparently over the years I’ve learned to write in ways that doesn’t set off my epilepsy. Couldn’t tell you how, but I rarely get sick writing anymore.

But I can take all the strobe lights ya got.