I hate language rules

I much prefer two spaces after a sentence. Why that new idiotic single spaced rule came about I have no idea, nor why people think it makes them a better writer when all it means is they still couldn’t write their way out of a paper bag but they do so with one less space after a period. There isn’t a single punctuation or spacing rule that improves writing, period, double spaced. If you want to be a writer quit worrying about punctuation or grammar rules or proper spelling. You can learn that later. First learn to write. And you don’t learn to write obsessing over which rules are in vogue at the moment. You learn to write by putting your thoughts into sentences that other people will like to read.

I hate language rules. I fucking hate them.

You know, I graduated high school with a summa cum laude in English. I’d forgotten all about that for thirty years till I found the certificate in some of mom’s papers, like I’d left it somewhere and quickly suppressed the memory. But I remembered being called into the English office and wondering what the fuck I could’ve done to get in trouble in the English department and there were all these nice teachers looking at me. They told me I’d been awarded the summa cum laude in English. I had no idea what summa cum laude meant. They told me. I must have looked confused because to be honest I hated English classes. I despised the grammar rules and the old poetry. I only took the goddamn things because they were easy, I could bullshit anything on an essay test and never do any of the homework. I think I took every one they had. I just had to show up, write the occasional essay and ace the class. It was that easy. If you’re kind of a natural at writing you learn that trick quick. I was an autodidact anyway, voraciously reading big, thick, dense books I’d get at the public library and studying my beloved set of the Encyclopedia Britannica, which I still have, actually. I was reading the histories my dad would get from the Book of the Month Club when I was still in grade school, some of which I also still have. I read all three volumes of Bruce Catton’s Pulitzer winning Army of the Potomac trilogy while in fifth grade, pronouncing Potomac like Fotomat. I’d nearly drowned in the damn thing back in first grade and I still couldn’t pronounce it. And here they were seven grades later still trying to teach me grammar as if language were built on rules like the Ten Commandments and all you have to do is memorize them. Yeah, right. I’d be damned if I wasted my adolescence with their silly assed grammar instruction. I never told them that, though. I was always very nice. Pleasant, even. So they give me a fucking award on my way out the door.

That probably came under irony in the text book.

No commas

No commas. No idea why, but there’s no commas. A whole email without any commas. It’d probably be a bad idea to write my Great American Novel this way. Anyway, feel free to parse.

We have to go the Omaha Steaks store on Pico which is next to Norms which we go to commemorate the Norms we used to go to at Sunset and Vermont and have the 99 cent breakfast because we were that broke back then like when we used to go to Greens Soul Food on Yucca on all you can eat chicken night which I think was Tuesdays and get more than we could eat of the chicken and sneak it out when the lady wasn’t looking but that Norms was demolished and replaced by a Kaiser facility 25 years ago at least and we get all our meds there now plus been to doctors upstairs and we haven’t been to that Green’s since 18th Street took over that block but the gangs there are long gone now but I don’t know if Greens is even still there and then after we eat cheap at Norms we’ll drive east on Olympic with our boxes of gourmet burgers we got for half price or even less and take them up the stairs and put them in  the freezer and change clothes and socks because I love fresh socks and then we’ll pop into Jax I imagine around 9 pm which I think is what you asked so if you and friend are there we’ll see ya. OK?